Jokes and Cartoons

|Cartoons|Useless Inventions|

Jock Vs. Nerd
(Contributed by Samuel Lin)

The answer to the eternal question
"Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game.
That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game.

With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day,
working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00,
but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000)
it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made,
you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S.
past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years,
he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins!

(Contributed by Samuel Lin)

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed
and depleted!

Bed-makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased,
landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded,
organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested,
the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers
will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians
will be devoted.

(Original contributed by Patrick)

Why does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because of the need for:


Why does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because of the need for:


Remember When
(Original contributed by Pat, I did a little patch-up to improve rhyme)

A computer was something on TV,
From a science fiction show of note.
A Window was something you hated to clean...
And RAM was the cousin of a goat...

Meg was the daughter of Robert Ryan,
And gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show;
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank cash dispenser.
And had you only a 3.5" floppy....
You'd hope nobody would discover

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file;
And if you unzipped anything in public,
you'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I've heard nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happened you wish you were dead!


A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to
the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
   "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
   "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
   The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
   "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He
could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned
craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist
shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
  "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
  Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About
halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
  "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
  "The sharks got 'em."


A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how hard
it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by
a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
   "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
   "At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," the gambler


Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.
"Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one chief said.
  "Thanks," his friend said."I'm gonna miss her."

Breathalyzer Test

After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding sports car
over to the curb. When he walked up to the drivers window, he was surprised to
find a very attractive redhead behind the wheel. "Ma'am," he said ."I'm afraid
we're going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test to see whether or not
you've been drinking."
   The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, "Lady,
you've had a couple of stiff ones."
   "That's amazing!"the girl cried."You mean it shows that,too!"


Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
   "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in
unusual sex practices?"
   "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."


After attending a party for his boss, the guy was nursing a king-size hangover
and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
   "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
   "Did I piss on him?" answered the husband.
   "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
   "Well, fuck him!" said the husband.
   "I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

Who Sank the Titanic?
(Contributed by Carmen)

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the
first officer is Taiwan Chinese. It's the first time they've flown
together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?" The
Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like
The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo....... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That
Japanese, not Chinese.
And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese.. it doesn't
matter, they're all alike."
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew."
The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic."
The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the
Titanic. It was an iceberg."
The F.O. replies,"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah.. all same."


A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw
this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?"
   "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck."
   "I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck."

Make Time

A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a cocktail party, but she
wasn't having any part of him... especially the part he had in mind. After a
while, to show his contempt for her, he inquired loudly, "Tell me, dear, what
happens when whores get pregnant?"
   Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your mother found you
under a cabbage leaf!"


Three men of the cloth - a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi -
were counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying
to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two
churches and one synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income).
   The priest was the first to speak: "I know what! I'll draw a line down the
middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on
the right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is
for us."
   The Baptist minister cried, "No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of
the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the
circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for us."
   The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he
offered this suggestion: "What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in
the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is

Ugly Baby

A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a lady with a small and
extremely ugly baby on her lap. "Lady," the conductor said, "that is by far the
ugliest baby I have ever seen."
   The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began screaming at him, and
demanded that her money be refunded and the conductor be fired.
   The head conductor then came into the car and tried to smooth things over.
"Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this matter, I'll see
that you get the best treatment possible, I'll give you your money back, and
I'll even try to find you a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours."



Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears who went to the
doctors office? The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears.
   "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the salesman. "But
instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
   "Damn," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But then, what happened to your
other ear?"
   The salesman replied, "Whoever it was called back."



At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns. One Texan said to
his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics
   His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston. There are only five
Catholics there."
   Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should go to hell! There
aren't any Catholics there!"

據說一天,董建華的兒子在公路上超速,被一個警察發現截停.  董少爺很不
願意地把車停在一邊, 不耐煩的說:『你知不知道我的爸爸是誰?』警察看了
他一眼, 很客氣地答道:『對不起,先生,這我可幫不到你,你有沒有試一試問


The Famous Joke of the Day One Liner (Contributed by Theresa)

"How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?"

"Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Pig! (Contributed by Theresa)

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road
from the opposite direction.  As they pass each other, the woman leans
out the window and yells:"PIG!!"  The man immediately leans out his
window and yells: "BITCH!!"  They each continue on their way, and as
the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle
of the road.

If only men would listen!

Words To Live By
(Contributed by Theresa)

Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

You know the honeymoon is over, when you start to go out with the
   boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
   thinking they had no faults at all.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
   You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has,
   you wish you had ordered that.

Both of my marriages have been disappointments, my first wife left me
   and my second one didn't.

Until Death Do Us Part!
(Contributed by Theresa)

Wife: "lets go out and have fun tonight."

Husband: "okay! but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."

Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."

Wife: "you wear briefs, don't you?"


Lie -Clock
(Contributed by Frances)

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall
of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone on Earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock
will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating
that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved
twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling



Updated:September 19, 2001新